Last updated: October 21, 2026

When Your Partner Will Not Go to Therapy

Reviewed by Rebecca Rabin, PsyD, MA license PSY8258

In short: You can still get help for yourself. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy says that if a partner will not go, you can begin to do some things yourself, while noting that a positive outcome is more likely when both take part. Individual therapy cannot change your partner. If you feel controlled or afraid, safety comes first.

You may have asked more than once. Your partner might say therapy is pointless, that the problem is yours, or simply that they are not ready. Meanwhile you are left with the same arguments or the same distance, and no clear way to change it on your own.

You would not be unusual. Gurman and Burton (2014) observe that "many clients seeking help for couple problems ultimately find themselves in individual therapy for these concerns," sometimes because a partner refused joint therapy. This article covers what you can work on by yourself, what individual therapy cannot change, and when the question is really about safety.

Can anything change if only one of you goes?

It can, though no one can promise it will. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) addresses this situation directly: "If your partner just won't go, you can begin to do some things yourself." It adds that a marriage and family therapist "can work with you individually, offering expertise about how to improve the relationship without both of you joining therapy."

AAMFT is honest about the other half too: "Still, a positive outcome is more likely if both partners commit to and willingly participate in the therapy." Both statements are worth holding. Working on your own side is a real option. It is not the same as two people working on the relationship together.

What can you work on by yourself?

Your own side of the pattern. In individual therapy, that might include:

What you most need from your partner, and how you tend to ask for it
What happens in you when they pull away, push back or go quiet
Where else the pattern has shown up, with family, friends or at work
What you want for yourself, whatever your partner decides

Research on couples offers one reason this can matter. In the demand-withdraw pattern, one partner "nags, complains, criticizes, or otherwise attempts to create change in the other partner, while the other partner avoids or withdraws from the interaction." A 1990 study of 31 married couples found that both husbands and wives "were more likely to be demanding when discussing a change they wanted and more likely to be withdrawing when discussing a change their partner wanted." Asking someone to start therapy is itself a request for change, so it may be worth noticing whether a similar loop has formed around it, though the study did not test this. Noticing it, without blaming either of you, can be a starting point.

Attachment research also suggests that patterns are not fixed. A 2011 paper notes that recent research suggests people "hold distinct working models in different relationships," and a 2012 review by Mikulincer and Shaver reports that attachment style "can change, subtly or dramatically, depending on current context, recent experiences, and recent relationships."

What can't individual therapy change?

Your partner. A therapist who sees only you hears only your account and cannot assess the person who is not in the room. Gurman and Burton list among the pitfalls "structural constraints on change" and "inaccurate assessments based on individual client reports." Individual therapy is not a way to diagnose your partner from a distance, and decisions about the relationship remain yours.

The research is also limited. Gurman and Burton call individual therapy for couple problems "largely neglected" in research, and no trial was found that tests individual therapy with relationship problems as its main outcome. Can individual therapy help with relationship problems? covers what evidence there is.

How can you look after yourself in the meantime?

Living with ongoing strain takes a toll. AAMFT notes that "Marital distress has powerful effects on the partners, often leading to great sadness, worry, a high level of tension, anxiety, and depression." Getting support for yourself is a reasonable response to that, whether or not your partner ever joins you.

If you ever feel hopeless or have thoughts of suicide, call or text 988, or call 911 in an emergency. The 988 Lifeline lists relationships among the reasons people reach out, and says "People do not have to be suicidal to call."

When is it about safety rather than therapy?

If your partner controls you, threatens you, or you feel afraid of them, the question changes. The National Domestic Violence Hotline says it does "not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner," because "Abuse is not a relationship problem." It also says: "Due to the safety risk, if you are still in an abusive relationship, we never recommend confronting an abusive partner."

Unhealthy or abusive? sets out the official warning signs. SafeLink, Massachusetts' statewide 24/7 toll-free domestic violence hotline, is at (877) 785-2020. Its page says, "It is also OK to call SafeLink if you need to talk about your situation or someone else's." The National Domestic Violence Hotline is at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or text START to 88788. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

How can Dr. Rabin help?

Dr. Rabin offers individual therapy for relationship patterns, not couples or marriage counseling, so the work does not depend on your partner taking part. It is psychodynamic and attachment-based: tracing how early relationships shape present connections, and using the therapy relationship as a place to notice patterns as they happen and practice relating differently.

She sees adults and college students in person in Brookline and through secure telehealth anywhere in Massachusetts. A free consultation of about 15 minutes, requested through the contact page, is a chance to describe your situation and ask whether individual work fits.

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Sources

Last reviewed October 2026. This guide is general information, not medical advice or a diagnosis. If you are in danger, call 911. If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I tell my partner I am starting therapy?

That is your decision, and there is no single right answer. Some people say so from the start, others keep it private for a while. If you are afraid of how your partner might react, talk it through first with a confidential hotline such as SafeLink. The Hotline advises contacting it "when your partner isn't around."

Will my partner join later if I go first?

No one can predict that, and individual therapy is not a strategy for bringing it about. Its aim is to help you understand your own side and decide what you want. If your partner does become willing to work on the relationship together, couples counseling with a clinician who offers it is one option the two of you could consider.

Can Dr. Rabin see both of us together?

No. Dr. Rabin offers individual therapy only. Her page says the work is focused on you and your relationships and is not couples or marriage counseling. If you both want to work on the relationship together, you would need a clinician who offers couples therapy. Individual therapy or couples counseling explains how the two differ.

Wondering what kind of help fits?

A short conversation can help you decide. Dr. Rebecca Rabin, PsyD offers a free 15-minute consultation to talk through what you are facing and whether individual therapy with her, or a different kind of help, is the right next step. Read how individual relationship therapy in Brookline works.

Schedule a Free 15-Minute Phone Consultation