Every relationship has hard stretches. The question here is a different one: whether something has moved from difficult to controlling or frightening. That can be hard to see from the inside, and you do not have to be certain before you ask for help.
This article sets out official warning signs and where to get confidential help in Massachusetts and nationally. It cannot tell you whether your relationship is abusive, and it does not diagnose anyone. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
What is the difference between unhealthy and abusive?
The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes a range: "All relationships exist on a spectrum from healthy to abusive, with unhealthy in between." In a healthy relationship, it says, "You respect each other's need for time and space apart." At the abusive end, one partner "Controls the other. There's no equality in your relationship."
What marks abuse is a pattern of control. The Hotline defines domestic violence, "also called relationship abuse, or intimate partner violence," as "a pattern of behavior in a relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner." Its forms "can include physical, sexual, emotional, financial, or actions or threats of actions that influence another person."
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) says intimate partner violence can involve current or former spouses and dating partners, and "can range from one episode of violence to chronic and severe episodes over multiple years." According to the CDC, more than 1 in 3 women and more than 1 in 6 men in the United States have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetimes. Those figures do not count psychological aggression on its own.
What are the warning signs?
The Hotline lists these behaviors, in its own words, and says that "even one or two of these behaviors in a relationship is a red flag that abuse may be present."
- Telling you that you never do anything right.
- Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them.
- Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with others, particularly friends, family members, or peers.
- Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people.
- Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school.
- Controlling finances in the household without discussion, such as taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses.
- Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you're not comfortable with.
- Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.
- Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions.
- Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.
- Intimidating you with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace.
- Destroying your belongings or your home.
Signs are not always clear at first. The Hotline notes that "many abusive people appear like ideal partners in the early stages of a relationship," and that warning signs often "emerge and intensify as the relationship grows." Abuse need not be physical: the CDC counts psychological aggression, which includes communication meant "to exert control over a partner," as a type of intimate partner violence.
What is coercive control?
Massachusetts law names it. Chapter 209A of the General Laws, on abuse prevention, lists "coercive control" as a form of abuse between family or household members, a group that includes people who "are or have been in a substantive dating or engagement relationship." The first part of its definition reads: "a pattern of behavior intended to threaten, intimidate, harass, isolate, control, coerce or compel compliance of a family or household member that causes that family or household member to reasonably fear physical harm or have a reduced sense of physical safety or autonomy."
Its examples include "isolating the family or household member from friends, relatives or other sources of support" and "controlling, regulating or monitoring the family or household member's activities, communications, movements, finances, economic resources or access to services, including through technological means."
This is a legal definition used for protective orders. This article cannot tell you how it applies to your situation. SafeLink advocates provide "non-judgmental support, assistance with safety planning, and information on appropriate resources."
Why is couples counseling not advised where there is abuse?
The Hotline is direct: "We at The Hotline do not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counseling with their partner. Abuse is not a relationship problem." Couples counseling, it says, "cannot, however, fix the unequal power structure that is characteristic of an abusive relationship." It gives further reasons: "An abuser may use what is said in therapy later against their partner," and "For an abused partner, that safety doesn't necessarily extend to their home."
The Hotline also says: "Due to the safety risk, if you are still in an abusive relationship, we never recommend confronting an abusive partner." If you are unsure what is safe to say or do, an advocate can help you think it through, at a time when your partner is not around.
Where can you get confidential help?
You do not need to be sure it is abuse before you call. SafeLink says, "It is also OK to call SafeLink if you need to talk about your situation or someone else's," and that you "do not need to be looking for services or a shelter space." The Hotline says some people who contact it "identify as survivors of abuse, some as concerned friends or family members," and that "Our advocates will never make decisions for you."
- Immediate danger: call 911.
- SafeLink, Massachusetts: call (877) 785-2020, the statewide 24/7 toll-free domestic violence hotline. A trained advocate answers and can help with safety planning. Advocates are bilingual in English and Spanish, with translation in more than 130 languages. Deaf and hard of hearing callers can dial 711 in Massachusetts.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat with a live advocate at thehotline.org. It is free, confidential and open 24/7, though it says wait times can be longer when demand is high.
- 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: if you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988. The Lifeline lists intimate partner violence among the reasons people call.
The Hotline adds: "It's essential for your own safety that you contact us when your partner isn't around."
Can individual therapy help?
It can be one source of support alongside an advocate, not a replacement for safety planning. The Hotline says counseling sessions "provide a safe and confidential environment for survivors to express their feelings, thoughts and fears." It notes that "Often domestic violence programs offer individual counseling to survivors in their communities," and suggests you "ask potential counselors about their experiences and strategies for supporting victims of domestic violence."
Dr. Rabin offers individual therapy for relationship patterns, not couples counseling, and her trauma work is trauma-informed and moves at the client's pace. If you are considering therapy with her, ask on a free consultation of about 15 minutes, requested through the contact page, about her experience with what you are facing. Why couples work is a different question is covered in individual therapy or couples counseling.
Keep reading
Sources
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, Healthy Relationships
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, Commonly Used Terms When Discussing Domestic Violence
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, About Intimate Partner Violence (updated August 19, 2026)
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, Warning Signs of Abuse
- Massachusetts General Laws, chapter 209A, section 1 (definitions, including coercive control)
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, Should I Go To Couples Therapy With My Abusive Partner?
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, How Can I Talk to My Abuser?
- SafeLink, Massachusetts statewide domestic violence hotline (Casa Myrna)
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, What to Expect When You Contact Us
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, home and Get Help pages
- 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, Get Help
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, Counseling for Domestic Violence Survivors
Last reviewed October 2026. This guide is general information, not medical advice or a diagnosis. If you are in danger, call 911. If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988.
