A new relationship starts, and for a while it feels different. Then a familiar argument appears, or the same distance, or you find yourself once again doing all the giving. The person has changed. The feeling has not. Many people notice the same thing with friends, family and colleagues.
This article sets out how clinicians and researchers think about repetition, what the studies do and do not show, and what can change. None of it is about blame. These are ways of understanding a pattern, not verdicts on you or on anyone in your life.
Does a repeating pattern mean something is wrong with you?
No. Many relationship patterns can be understood as ways of coping that once made sense. A child who learned that care came only sometimes, or only when they were easy to be around, adjusted to that. Those adjustments can keep running long after the situation that called for them has passed.
Attachment researchers Mario Mikulincer and Phillip Shaver describe one version of this. Anxious reaching for closeness, they write, occurs "in relationships in which an attachment figure is sometimes responsive but unreliably so." That places the person on what they call "a partial reinforcement schedule that rewards persistence in proximity-seeking attempts, because they sometimes succeed." Seen that way, a pattern that causes trouble now once made sense.
They also caution against simple causes. Writing about mental health problems, they argue that attachment insecurities alone are "unlikely to be sufficient causes," and that other factors, including temperament and life history, are "likely to converge with or amplify the effects of attachment experiences."
How might early relationships shape later ones?
Attachment theory, first developed by the British psychoanalyst John Bowlby, proposes that children build expectations about how close relationships work. The American Psychological Association's (APA) dictionary calls this an internal working model of attachment: "a cognitive construction or set of assumptions about the workings of relationships, such as expectations of support or affection." It adds that "The earliest relationships may form the template for this internal model, which may be positive or negative." Note the word "may."
Psychologist R. Chris Fraley summarizes what Bowlby thought happens next. Once a child has these expectations, "he or she will tend to seek out relational experiences that are consistent with those expectations and perceive others in a way that is colored by those beliefs." In everyday terms, this might mean reading an ambiguous text from a partner in the old way before you have thought about it.
This is theory, not proof that childhood causes any one adult pattern. Fraley also notes that, in the same theory, it is possible for a person's attachment pattern to change when new experiences do not match the old expectations.
Why can a new person feel like someone from the past?
Psychoanalysis has long had words for this. Transference, in the APA dictionary, is a patient's projection onto the analyst of feelings "originally directed toward important individuals, such as parents." The dictionary notes that the term's broader meaning, an unconscious repetition of earlier behaviors and their projection onto new people, is acknowledged as applying to all human interactions. Repetition compulsion, "in psychoanalytic theory," is "an unconscious need to reenact early traumas in the attempt to overcome or master them." That is a theoretical idea, not a tested finding.
Social psychologists Susan Andersen and Serena Chen propose a social-cognitive theory of transference. In their account, when someone new resembles an important person from your past, your mental picture of that earlier person can be activated, along with the version of yourself you were with them. They call these "relational selves" and describe them as "a source of interpersonal patterns."
Psychodynamic researchers sometimes map a pattern in three parts, using a method called the core conflictual relationship theme, developed by Lester Luborsky. What you want from the other person. How you expect them to respond. How you then react. When the same three parts turn up in story after story, a pattern becomes easier to see.
What does research show about patterns carrying over?
The studies show continuity and change side by side. A small study of 40 people, interviewed as adolescents and again at 25, found "considerable stability" in the relationship themes they described. It also found that as young adults they saw others as less rejecting and "used a broader repertoire of themes" than before.
A German study followed 554 people across two consecutive partnerships. On average, things got better as people moved into a new relationship, then worsened across its first year. In the end, five of the seven features studied, including relationship satisfaction and how often conflicts happened, were no different on average from when they were first measured in the earlier relationship. Two improved: sexual frequency and partner admiration. These are averages from self-reports in one country, not a forecast for you.
Another German study, which followed people over nine years, found that a person's past and current partners described their own personalities in similar ways, "suggesting that there may indeed be a unique type of person each individual ends up with." That finding is about personality. It says nothing about whether problems or harm repeat.
Can a pattern change?
Research suggests it can. Mikulincer and Shaver write that "a growing body of research shows that attachment style can change, subtly or dramatically, depending on current context, recent experiences, and recent relationships."
A study that combined three long-term samples, 628 people aged 13 to 72, found that attachment anxiety "declined on average with age" and that avoidance decreased steadily across the life span. Being in a relationship went along with lower levels of both. Again, these are averages.
Researchers are honest about what they do not know. In Fraley's words, "we still don't have a strong understanding of the precise factors that may change a person's attachment style." Change is possible. No one can promise how or when it will happen.
How does individual therapy work with repeating patterns?
Dr. Rabin's individual therapy for relationship patterns focuses on the patterns that repeat across partners, family, friends and colleagues. It is individual therapy, not couples or marriage counseling. Her approach is psychodynamic and attachment-based. The work traces how early relationships shape present ones, and uses the therapy relationship itself as a place to notice patterns as they happen and to practice relating differently.
If you want to talk about whether this kind of work fits what you are dealing with, a free consultation of about 15 minutes can be requested through the contact page. Sessions are available in person in Brookline and by secure telehealth anywhere in Massachusetts.
Keep reading
Sources
- Fraley, A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research. University of Illinois (2018)
- Mikulincer and Shaver, An attachment perspective on psychopathology. World Psychiatry (2012)
- APA Dictionary of Psychology, internal working model of attachment
- APA Dictionary of Psychology, transference
- APA Dictionary of Psychology, repetition compulsion
- APA Dictionary of Psychology, core conflictual relationship theme (CCRT)
- Andersen and Chen, The relational self: an interpersonal social-cognitive theory. Psychological Review (2002)
- Waldinger et al., The Same Old Song? Stability and Change in Relationship Schemas From Adolescence to Young Adulthood. Journal of Youth and Adolescence (2002)
- Johnson and Neyer, (Eventual) stability and change across partnerships. Journal of Family Psychology (2019)
- Park and MacDonald, Consistency between individuals' past and current romantic partners' own reports of their personalities. PNAS (2019)
- Fraley et al., The Experiences in Close Relationships-Relationship Structures questionnaire: a method for assessing attachment orientations across relationships. Psychological Assessment (2011)
- Chopik et al., Longitudinal changes in attachment orientation over a 59-year period. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2019)
Last reviewed October 2026. This guide is general information, not medical advice or a diagnosis. If you are in danger, call 911. If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988.
