People often expect grief to be sadness. Then it turns out to be forgetting why you walked into a room, snapping at someone you love, or feeling nothing at all at the funeral and falling apart in the grocery store three weeks later.
This guide describes the reactions that health sources list as part of ordinary grief. It is a description, not a checklist. You may have many of these reactions, or only a few.
What emotions are part of grief?
The National Cancer Institute (NCI) describes numbness, shock and disbelief as common right after a death, particularly an unexpected one. After that, many people feel a strong yearning for the person, find their thoughts returning to them again and again, and have unwanted images of the death come to mind.
Other feelings on the NCI's list include anger, protest against the reality of the loss, sadness, despair, guilt and a loss of interest in things. The National Institute on Aging adds some that people are often ashamed of: feeling fearful, feeling guilty for being the one still alive, and feeling angry at the person for leaving. Its summary is worth keeping: "There are no rules about how you should feel. There is no right or wrong way to mourn."
What does grief do to your thinking and your days?
Grief is not only a feeling. The National Institute on Aging notes that grieving people can have problems with concentration and a hard time making decisions. The NCI lists "disorganization in daily routine" among common reactions. In practice that can mean rereading the same email four times, missing a bill, or losing track of what day it is.
Behavior changes too. The NCI mentions crying, sighing, dreaming about the person, and seeking out things or places connected with them. Wearing their sweater, driving past their house or replaying a voicemail all fit that description.
How does grief show up in the body?
The National Institute on Aging puts it simply: when you grieve, "you can feel both physical and emotional pain." Reactions that health sources mention include:
- Trouble sleeping
- Little interest in food
- Fatigue
- Crying easily
There is more on this in the guide to the physical symptoms of grief. One caution belongs here. Chest pain or shortness of breath after a loss needs emergency care, because it cannot be told apart from a heart attack without tests. Call 911.
Why does grief come in waves?
Many people are surprised that grief is not constant. According to the NCI, many bereaved people have highly intense periods of distress that are limited in time, for example 20 to 30 minutes, which are called grief bursts, pangs or waves.
Some waves follow a reminder. The NCI names holidays, the anniversary of the death, and giving away things that belonged to the person. Others, it says, "may occur unexpectedly." A song in a pharmacy can do it. So can nothing at all.
Between waves you may feel fairly steady, which can be confusing in its own way. Feeling all right for an afternoon does not mean the grief is over, and a hard wave after a calm stretch does not mean you have gone backward. The guide to anniversaries, birthdays and holidays looks at the waves you can see coming.
Is it all right to laugh, or to feel very little?
Yes. NIH News in Health quotes George Bonanno of Columbia University, who says that "laughing and smiling are also healthy responses to loss and can be protective." A good evening with friends is not a betrayal of the person you lost.
Feeling little is also a known pattern. The NCI describes a "minimal" grief reaction, with few or no outward signs of distress, and says it is thought to occur in approximately 15% of people in the first year or two after a loss. It adds that what a person shows may not reflect what they feel inside.
After a shocking death, numbness can be especially strong. The VA's National Center for PTSD advises people not to judge themselves "for not 'feeling' something like what you or your family would expect."
Is there a typical way to grieve?
The NCI's answer is that many bereaved people have similar responses, but "there is no typical grief response." It also notes that mourning is shaped by a person's beliefs, religious practices and culture. Two siblings can lose the same parent and grieve in ways that barely resemble each other.
Most people do not need therapy for grief. The American Psychiatric Association says that for most people the symptoms decrease over time, and that although they may sometimes increase at different points, "they do not usually require mental health treatment."
Some people want support anyway, and some find that grief is making it hard to get through the day. The National Institute on Aging suggests reaching out to a support group, a mental health professional or the people close to you. If you would like to talk with someone, Dr. Rabin offers grief and loss therapy in Brookline and online across Massachusetts. If you are unsure, start with Do I Need Grief Therapy?
Thoughts of wanting to join the person who died can occur in grief. If you are thinking about ending your life, call or text 988, or call 911 in an emergency.
Keep reading
Sources
- National Cancer Institute, Grief, Bereavement, and Coping With Loss (PDQ), Health Professional Version (2024)
- National Cancer Institute, Grief, Bereavement, and Loss (PDQ), Patient Version (2025)
- National Institute on Aging, Coping With Grief and Loss (2024)
- NIH News in Health, Coping With Grief: Life After Loss (2017)
- American Psychological Association, APA Dictionary of Psychology: grief
- American Psychiatric Association, Prolonged Grief Disorder (2025)
- U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, National Center for PTSD, Grief: Taking Care of Yourself After a Loss (2026)
Last reviewed October 2026. This guide is general information, not medical advice or a diagnosis. If you are in crisis, call or text 988, or call 911 in an emergency.
