Last updated: 09-10-2026

How to Support Someone After Trauma

In short: Listen more than you advise, offer practical help, and encourage professional care if symptoms last. The VA's National Center for PTSD suggests telling the person you want to listen and that you understand if it is not the right time to talk. Research associates social support with lower risk of PTSD. Look after yourself too.

Someone you care about has been through something terrible, and you are not sure what to say. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, or about saying nothing. You may be tired, and feel guilty for being tired.

This article gathers what the VA's National Center for PTSD, the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), the World Health Organization and published research say about helping. The two VA pages used here were written for family members of a person who has PTSD, and they are published by the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. The VA itself says most people who go through a traumatic event will not develop PTSD, so not all of that advice will fit your situation. Where a suggestion here goes beyond those sources, it is labeled as a general suggestion.

What helps?

Presence, patience and practical help. NIMH's list for people helping a loved one includes: "Offer emotional support, understanding, patience, and encouragement." It also suggests sharing "positive distractions, such as walks, outings, and other activities."

The VA's page for family members of someone who has PTSD lists these ways to help:

"Learn as much as you can about PTSD." What is trauma? and PTSD symptoms are short places to begin.
"Tell your loved one you want to listen and that you also understand if it's not the right time to talk."
"Offer to go to doctor visits with your family member."
"Plan family activities together, like having dinner or going to a movie."
"Take a walk, go for a bike ride, or do some other physical activity together."
"Encourage contact with family and close friends."

What should you say, and what should you hold back?

Say less, and listen more. The VA's advice on communication is brief: "Be a good listener. Don't argue or interrupt." It adds "Ask how you can help" and "Don't give advice unless you are asked." NIMH says to listen carefully and to pay attention to the person's feelings and to the situations that may trigger symptoms.

What follows is a general suggestion, not something taken from those sources. You do not need to know the details of what happened in order to help. Let the person decide how much to tell you and when, and do not press for more.

Does support from family and friends make a difference?

Research suggests it does, with limits. The World Health Organization, in its international fact sheet, says: "Feeling supported by family, friends or other people following the potentially traumatic event can reduce the risk of developing PTSD." NIMH says: "Research shows that support from family and friends also can be an essential part of recovery."

The research behind statements like these is correlational. Meta-analyses published in 2000, covering 14 risk factors for PTSD, found that each had a modest effect, and that factors operating during or after the trauma, "such as trauma severity, lack of social support, and additional life stress, had somewhat stronger effects than pretrauma factors." Studies of this kind cannot show cause. Low support may partly be a result of symptoms and not only a contributor to them.

So read the finding as being about groups. It does not mean that a person who develops PTSD was not supported well enough, or that you could have prevented it.

What if they pull away or get angry?

Try not to take it as a verdict on you. The VA reminds families that withdrawal, or pulling away, can be a symptom of PTSD. Its advice if help is refused: "Give your loved one space, but also say that you will be ready to help at another time."

The VA also explains why this is easy to misread: "If family members are not aware that a loved one's feelings or behaviors stem from their PTSD symptoms, they may feel their loved one is unhappy with them."

On anger, the VA says: "Most people with PTSD have never been violent. There is a higher risk, however, for partner conflict or violence when one or both partners have PTSD." Your safety comes first. In the VA's words: "If anger leads to violent behavior or abuse, it's dangerous. Go to a safe place and call for help right away. Make sure children are in a safe place as well." In Massachusetts, SafeLink is the statewide 24/7 toll-free domestic violence hotline, at (877) 785-2020. Casa Myrna, which runs it, describes it as "a resource for anyone affected by domestic or dating violence." Anywhere in the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7: call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. In immediate danger, call 911.

How do you look after yourself?

By taking your own limits seriously. The VA tells family members: "Helping someone with PTSD can be hard on you." It warns that without care for yourself you may get sick, become depressed, or burn out and stop helping. Its tips include:

"Don't feel guilty or feel that you should know it all."
"Don't feel bad if things change slowly. You cannot change anyone. People must change themselves."
"Don't give up your outside life."
"If you feel yourself getting sick or often feel sad and hopeless, see your doctor."

If the strain is showing up between the two of you, that deserves attention as well. Dr. Rabin's practice has a page on relationship therapy.

When and how should you encourage professional help?

When symptoms are not easing. The VA says of stress reactions after trauma: "Most people recover in time." NIMH gives a marker for the people around them: "If their symptoms do not improve after 6 to 8 weeks, you can encourage them to talk about it with their health care provider." Do I need trauma therapy? sets out how to think about it.

NIMH is direct about how to help: "the most important thing you can do is to help that person get the right diagnosis and treatment. Some people may need help making an appointment with their health care provider; others may benefit from having someone accompany them to their health care visits."

It may help to know what treatment involves. The 2023 guideline from the Departments of Veterans Affairs and Defense (VA/DoD) and the American Psychological Association's 2025 guideline give their strongest recommendations to specific trauma-focused psychotherapies for PTSD, such as cognitive processing therapy and prolonged exposure. Psychodynamic therapy has been studied much less for PTSD, and both guidelines list it as having insufficient evidence to recommend for or against. Types of trauma therapy explains the options.

For someone who would like to talk with a psychologist, Dr. Rabin offers trauma therapy in Brookline and by secure telehealth across Massachusetts. Her work moves at the client's pace, and the client decides what is discussed and when. A free consultation of about 15 minutes can be requested through the contact page.

What if you are worried they may harm themselves?

Ask. The VA says: "If you think someone you know may be thinking about suicide, ask them. You will NOT put the idea in their head."

Then get help. Call or text 988, or call 911 in an emergency. If the person is a veteran or service member, the Veterans Crisis Line offers "24/7, confidential crisis support for Veterans and their loved ones." Dial 988 then press 1, or text 838255. The line says you do not have to be enrolled in VA benefits or health care to connect.

Keep reading

Sources

Last reviewed October 2026. This guide is general information, not medical advice or a diagnosis. If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988, or call 911 in an emergency.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should you ask them to tell you what happened?

The sources do not say to ask. The VA suggests telling the person you want to listen and that you also understand if it is not the right time to talk, and it says not to give advice unless you are asked. As a general suggestion beyond those sources, let them choose what to share and when.

What if they refuse to get help?

The VA's advice is to give your loved one space and to say that you will be ready to help at another time. It also tells family members: "You cannot change anyone. People must change themselves." Neither sentence applies where there is danger. If you fear for their safety or your own, use 988 or 911.

How long should you wait before suggesting they see someone?

NIMH's marker is 6 to 8 weeks without improvement, at which point you can encourage the person to talk with their health care provider. The VA says most people recover in time. Do not wait at all if you are worried about suicide or violence. Call or text 988, or call 911 in an emergency.

Is it wrong to need a break from supporting them?

No. The VA says that helping someone with PTSD can be hard on you, and that if you are not careful you may get sick, become depressed, or burn out and stop helping. Its tips for family members include "Don't give up your outside life" and seeing your doctor if you often feel sad and hopeless.

You do not have to carry this alone

Dr. Rebecca Rabin, PsyD works with adults and college students who are living with the effects of trauma, in person in Brookline and online across Massachusetts. If you would like to talk, a free 15-minute consultation is a low-pressure place to start.

Schedule a Free 15-Minute Phone Consultation